Last night, I was watching VH1's latest installment to the "Flavor of Love" family of programs, "Rock of Love." If you missed it, imagine Flavor of Love, but with Brett Michaels from Poison instead of Flavor Flav. And instead of ghetto hootchie-mamas, you have bleached-blond rednecks with plastic boobies.
It got me thinking, though. Why are these shows limited to washed up musicians? Why not athletes? I know, I know, we had Jesse Palmer on the Bachelor, and now there's Mark Phillipoussis on that show with the old women desperate to reclaim their youth competing with young hotties who are convinced they'll never get old. I'm not talking about the "respectable" reality dating shows, I want an athlete on a VH1-style train wreck "search for love."
At this point, you're probably saying to yourself "Brien, that's an outstanding idea. But who should the athlete be? And what's the gimmick to make the networks approve the show?" I'm so glad you asked. Here are some suggestions:
Andrei Kirilenko in "Russian Roulette" (VH1, Sundays 10pm)Watch NBA groupies vie for a chance to be Andrei Kirilenko's once-a-year "allowance." Highlights include:
- Andrei's wife as one of the judges, recommending that he steer clear of the ones with diseases or IV drug habits
- Shawn Kemp's guest appearance advising Andrei to put birth control in the champagne
A-Rod in "Bride of the Yankees" (YES, Tuesdays 8pm)With A-Rod's marriage in shambles following the back page disclosure of photos of him with a stripper, A-Rod is on the prowl again. Key questions asked during one-on-one time "Do you read the newspaper?" and "What do you think of Derek Jeter?"
John Daly in "You Drive Me Crazy" (ESPN, Thursdays 9:30pm)Nobody in golf is as interesting as John Daly. Nobody in golf is as repulsive to think about in a romantic situation as John Daly. Add to that accusations of spousal abuse (in both directions) and you have the makings of a great reality tv show. The lucky ladies could compete in beer-fetching races and tobacco seed spitting competitions. The final two contestants would, of course, have a boxing match to determine the winner.
Kordell Stewart in "Closet of Love" (Bravo, Mondays 9pm)Now that his playing career is over, Slash can finally make the announcement we've all been waiting for. How mad is Kordell that John Amaechi beat him to the punch? Imagine all the hype surrounding Amaechi's coming out party, but with an athlete you've actually heard of, and with Shannon Sharpe in the Tim Hardaway role. Anyway, now that he waited so long, Kordell is going to have to work harder to make the story interesting. What better way to do that than with a gay dating show. Possible challenge ideas include a snapping contest with Kordell under center, how to give the best Gatorade shower, and towel snapping competitions for power and accuracy.
Your suggestions in the comments...