June 1, 2007

Brien Reproduced!

Congratulations to Brien for successfully creating another human being, within the confines of a proper Catholic marriage no less! The boy, Cole, was born at 3:30am on May 30, weighing 8 lbs. 0.6 oz. and measuring a Holmesian 20.5 inches. The child's 40-yd time and vertical leap are still being disputed. Maryland coaches Ralph Friedgen and Gary Williams are already fighting over who gets first crack at recruiting the superstud.

blblahahblalablahbhCole already displays excellent court vision

May 31, 2007

Nigerian Nightmare Turns Reality Contestant

I don't know if anyone else in the world is watching the premiere of Pirate Master on CBS, but you might want to tune in next time. One of the contestants, Christian, is none other than CHRISTIAN OKOYE, the Nigerian Nightmare of mid-1990's Kansas City Chiefs fame. I'm glued.

New Concession Item at Nats Games

Piping hot kielbasa
New evidence that Nats games aren't exactly entertaining this year. Well... if you go with the right company, they may very well be.

May 30, 2007

Solving the Energy Crisis....Using NASCAR

Much to the delight of Brien and my Eastern Shore brethern, I've been watching a lot of NASCAR this year. In light of rising gas prices, I felt I should share my fuel-saving tips, inspired by racing.

1) Draft tractor trailers - I performed an experiment coming home from work today. To maintain 65mph (which, granted, is 20mph lower than my normal speed) my V6 engine usually cranks 2200 rpm. Following closely behind a tractor trailer, I need 1800 rpm to maintain the same speed. If you're not sure if you are close enough behind the truck, open your window and stick your hand out. If it feels as though there is only a light breeze, you're close enough. (Disclaimer: the above advice is technically illegal. Pay really close attention to the brake lights)

Cole "Not Dick" Trickle taught us the physics of drafting using Nicole Kidman's leg and Sweet N' Low packets.

Alternate caption: This dude used to get your lady moist.

2) Know Your Fuel Intake - The fuel intake on a stock car is on the left side of the tank; yours probably is too. You've heard the expression "running on fumes", so why waste the evaporative product of your purchase? If you fill up, physics dictates that you push the valuable fumes out of the tank. Instead, why not ballast the left side of your car to make sure you are working every last drop of your $3.20 gas? It's easy, and don't underestimate the fun of wondering how much leeway the low fuel light really provides.

3) Use the Bump Draft - NASCAR is the most popular sport in the country, so assume the drivers around you are familiar with the concept of the bump draft. Using that, you can translate the air resistance advantage you experience from traveling closely behind a car into THEIR advantage. At highway speed, just give them a little tap in the ass. You'll be amazed at the appreciation they'll show. Hopefully they can return the favor a little on down the road.

blahblahbl lJimmy Johnson (48) reduces our dependence on foreign oil

Remember, stick with East Coast Bias for all of your fuel consumption reduction needs!

May 29, 2007

Indy 500

Someone please find me a picture of Ashley Judd in her rain-soaked sundress at the Indianapolis 500. I am more than embarassed that I cannot find one on my own.