August 15, 2008

Michael Phelps New Spokesperson for Noassattol

Michael Phelps is not letting his unprecedented success go to his head. The National Noassattol Defamation League has announced that Phelps will serve as their new spokesperson, replacing Martin Gramatica.

The president of the association, Ronald Sticks, applauded Phelps' decision to fight flat-ass discrimination. Sticks explained, "Michael knows that people born without any posterior face daunting persecution in nearly every field of life. People without a booty are unfairly discriminated against in the dating world, have found it difficult to land jobs in the hip-hop dance and exotic entertainment fields, and generally are looked down upon in society. As the world's most famous sufferer of Noassattol, Michael can put a lot of these negative stereotypes to bed."

As if to illustrate the difficulties faced by those plagued by Noassattol, conservative figure and radio talk show host Bill Bennett mocked Phelps' decision. According to Bennett, "This is just another fringe group trying to get special treatment for one of the vagaries of genetics. I didn't hear the Noassattol groups complaining when the Greeks refused to enslave men who lacked glorious sinewy orbs atop their legs."

blahblah Until now, NFL kickers and punters have been the highest-profile sufferers

Noassattol is particularly common in Phelps' home state of Maryland. Of the two million residents of the state who live in Baltimore City, Baltimore County and points east, an estimated 1.56M suffer from the condition. That number may even be low, as many residents of Maryland's Eastern Shore compensate for their unfortunate lack of an ass by eating themselves to gargantuan sizes, often tipping the scales at over 300 pounds. One such resident, Krystal Waters, explains, "I was a size two in high school, but my lack of a booty made it impossible to attract a mate. I knew I was going to have to pack on at least 200 pounds and learn to fry some mean slick dumplings if I was going to avoid being a spinster. I just wish I had known that there were people out there fighting misconceptions about Noassattol. Maybe then I wouldn't be cleaning my crevices with a washcloth tied to the end of a broom handle."
Noassattol hits the writers of this blog especially hard, as three of the four authors suffer themselves. Non-sufferers cannot possibly understand how difficult it is to grow up with nicknames like "Back-and-a-Crack" and "Push-Me-Pull-You", the latter being a reference to the Doctor Doolittle character that lacked a rear end. Hopefully Mr. Phelps will end our suffering.

August 14, 2008

James Blake Upsets Federer

It's been a rough couple of years for American men's tennis, but that didn't matter today, as James Blake advanced to the Olympic semifinals after defeating Roger Federer in straight sets.

Blake has shown promise over his career and is currently ranked #7 in the world, but he has never advanced beyond the quarterfinals in a major. He's only 28, so there is still hope that he can continue to improve and become the face of American tennis, taking that title away from a slumping Andy Roddick.

Federer has had a bad year so far, losing in the French Open to Rafa Nadal (again) and losing in his bid for a 6th straight Wimbledon title, also to Nadal. It has been clear this year that Federer is human, but it wasn't clear that anyone except Nadal could beat him. James Blake had faced Federer 8 times previously and only won a single set total. His win against Federer should vault him into the discussion of the top men's players in the world, along with Federer, Nadal, and Novak Djokovic.

August 13, 2008

Immature Olympic Photos of the Day #2

Here's the second installment of Olympics photos that I thought were funny because I'm still in middle school.

I didn't realize that China had Troll dolls on its weightlifting team.

Watch out for the net!

Seriously? Cheerleaders at women's handball games?

You wanna get out of here? I know this great little hotel in Colorodo we could go to.

Keep your eye on the ball!

They don't have locker rooms at the Chinese venues?
If you thought the jazz hands yesterday were good, check this out.

August 12, 2008

Immature Olympic Photos of the Day

This is volleyball, you're allowed to use your hands!

I may have just gotten my ass kicked, but that's not going to stop me from getting some.


It's a good thing I don't have testicles!

Shocking News...

Don't F with me. Do you know who I am? I can get you "re-educated."

Coach K is an asshole.

August 11, 2008

What Happened to Carly Patterson?

Who? You know, the only American woman to ever win a gymnastics all-around gold medal in a fully attended Olympic games?

Have you seen this girl?

During the women's gymnastics qualifiers last night, one of the announcers said that Shawn Johnson was trying to become an iconic American gymnast like Mary Lou Retton and Kerri Strug. I turned to my wife and said (while only feeling a little gay): "What about that girl who won the all-around in Athens?" and then about 15 minutes later, "Carly Patterson, that was her name!" Later on in the broadcast, the announcers did mention Patterson in passing, saying that she had inspired this year's gymnasts to do their best, or some crap like that.

All of which left me wondering what the hell happened to this girl? I know gymnasts have a short shelf life, but she was young in 2004 (I looked it up, she's only 20 now). Even if she didn't make the team this year, I expected to hear some discussion of how she got too old and was put out to stud or something. Instead, she got mentioned only slightly more than Dominique Dawes.

Wikipedia to the rescue. Apparently she discovered that she had back problems in 2006 and was forced to retire. OK, that sucks, but it would have been nice to hear something about it. No big deal. She was also on some show called Celebrity Duets where she and other B-list celebrities sang duets with real singers. Carly didn't fare too well, and she was voted out third. Alfonso Ribeiro was the winner of the show.

I guess there's not too much shame in losing a singing contest to Carlton Banks. Wait, yes there is. That would be enough to make me never want to sing in public again. Apparently it had the opposite effect on Carly, as she parlayed her singing competition loss to Ribeiro (and Lucy Lawless, Cheech Marin, and others) into a singing contract with Joe Simpson. WHAT?

Patterson's contract with Simpson expired without her releasing an album, but don't worry, she's signed with an indie label and has a new song out. Ummm ... it's not very good. Her album was supposed to be released last week, but it's not on Amazon and her record label's website leaves something to be desired (it's essentially a big link that says "email us"). That doesn't bode well for Carly's music career.

So maybe the announcers avoided mentioning her too much last night to save her the embarrassment of publicizing her failing music career? At least she's always got that gold medal.

Maryland to Secede from Team USA

Citing repeated embarrassment at the failures of the rest of Team USA, Former Maryland Governor Robert Ehrlich announced today that Maryland would secede from Team USA and form her own Olympic contingent. Speaking from Westminster, Maryland, where Ehrlich attended the Ravens' training camp, Ehrlich noted that the Old Line State had been carrying Team USA for the past four years.

bbahblah Fmr. Gov. Ehrlich inquires about this youth's interest in the air rifle

"It's simple really. We're giving Michael Phelps and Kimmie Meissner to the other 49 states. They're giving us nothing. Why should we continue to be dragged down by their failures?", Ehrlich explained to reporters.

Swimmer Michael Phelps, from Towson, Maryland, is attempting to best Mark Spitz's record seven gold medal haul. Kimmie Meissner, from Bel Air, Maryland, saved Team USA from a dismal showing at the winter games in Turin, just by being a normal teenager while Bodie Miller drank away his hopes on the slopes and Lindsay JacobEllis slid ass-first to a bronze in snowboard racing. Gymnast Dominique Dawes, a native of Silver Spring, Maryland, has already indicated an interest in coaching.

blahblahblah Kimmie Meissner prepares to kiss Team USA goodbye

While Maryland would be weak in some areas, her impending secession would not necessarily preclude them from medaling in basketball. Team Maryland could still field Sam Cassell, Juan Dixon, Rudy Gay, and Jarrett Jack by birth, as well as Carmelo Anthony and countless others who attended high school in the state. There are also indications that Maryland would push to have lacrosse and jousting added to the list of medal sports.

Ehrlich summed it up best. "Some will accuse Maryland of not being patriotic, but we did save the whole country's ass in the War of 1812, so they can suck it."