October 29, 2007

Tony Dungynobi, You're My Only Hope

I thought the Patriots were an entertaining team until yesterday's obliteration of the Redskins (who I hate dearly). When Matt Cassel was playing during the fourth quarter, I saw something in Brady's eyes that made me come to a stark realization.

Tom Brady is a Sith Apprentice.

blahblahblahblah Tom Brady's Sith name is Darth Dinkus


Special art credit to ShadOwzOne at deviantart.com, with a little Photoshop help from me

You see, when the Patriots failed to get a pass interference call on a sideline pass by Cassel, Brady accosted the Side Judge and berated him for a good twenty seconds. Then he seemed to make a smart ass comment to him as he started to back away, before coming back for a little more. Tom Brady is a team captain, and thus permitted to talk to officials, WHEN HE IS PLAYING THE GAME. Almost any other player in the league (Manning being the lone exception, but back to him in a second) would have drawn an immediate 15-yarder for distracting an official between plays. At that juncture, Brady had no more right to berate the ref than a fan in the stands.

Brady has embraced the teachings of his Dark Lord, Bill Belichick a.k.a. Darth Deceptor. As he grows in power and stature, he is even permitted to wear the trademark hooded sweatshirt of his master, just as Darth Maul and Anakin were permitted to match Lord Palpatine.

So who must we embrace to rid the league of this scourge? None other than milktoast himself, Peyton Manning. Manning is much like the Jedi Luke Skywalker. He has submitted to temptation, humiliating his "drunk idiot kicker" (and basically ruining his cushy dome kicker career), cursing at children for laughs on SNL, running up the score a bit himself (the six TD game against New Orleans stands out) and basically calling out his offensive line whenever he actually gets touched by a defender. But Peyton's Obi-Wan, Tony Dungy, has returned Peyton to the relatively humble wunderkind we knew he could again be.

bblahblah Our Messiah seeks redemption for his own 49-TD season

Now Peyton must strike Darth Dinkus and Darth Deceptor down, not out of anger or vengeance, but because the balance of the league demands it. TMQ called it the battle of Good vs. Evil, and he was correct, only he had no idea what is truly at stake.

15 Responses:

"ben" said...

I'm totally buying that. I'll have to rewatch Star Wars and root for Darth Vader this time, now that I know where I stand.

J-Red said...

Plus, Manning is taller. Taller is always less evil.

Brien said...

I saw Brady yelling at the official after that play. Not surprisingly, the announcers didn't comment on it (if they had, they probably would have praised Brady for supporting his teammates).

I hope we see a lot more coverage of his little spat with the side judge.

J-Red said...

Please. Who was still watching the game to get outraged? At the family/friends party I was at, there were only two of us still watching.

J-Red said...

The only breakdown in my theory is that Peyton has to be the illegitimate offspring of Brady and Moynahan.

michael said...

I also would like to take this moment to thank DirecTV and the NFL for making sure that 70% of the country cannot get the NFL Ticket. And thanks to this, those of us in the beautiful state of California next Sunday will not get to see the Colts and Pats, but rather CBS will be treating us to the Oakland Raiders playing host to the Houston Texans.

Whats that screeching sound that you hear, you may ask? Thats my tires peeling out as I am on my way to a local bar.

J-Red said...

Do they still allow bars in California?

michael said...

Oh yes...you just cant smoke in or within 25 feet of any of them. You also cannot take your drink outside of them...but bars, themselves, are still permitted. And lets hope it stays that way...or I may need to find another state to live in (other than Confusion).

"ben" said...

Tom Brady is from California. Therefore, California is a wonderful state.

J-Red said...

We really can't be upset with Brady himself. He was corrupted by the dink-and-dunk and jumpball power imbued upon him by Lord Belichick. Ever since Belichick defeated Darth Bledsoe's attempt to overthrow him (by discretely shearing his internal organs), he has shown Brady increased power and fame. In fact, in addition to the world-class poon Brady pulls, he now talks seriously about becoming a galac...err..U.S. Senator.

J-Red said...

Via Bill Belichick's personal spytape archive, I was able to obtain this secret audio.

"ben" said...

The funny thing about Brady as a politician is that he will likely have to peddle his conservative politics in liberal places. He's from the Bay area, but I guess as a Senator he could appeal to the whole state.

And then of course there's Massachusetts, but evidently they elect Republicans if you're pretty.

Looks like he's a shoe in afterall.

Here's to UM producing its second football player/U.S. President.

The Big Picture said...

can peyton get the green-eye treatment to? that's awesome!

"ben" said...

That would make him evil, thus disproving J-Red's point. So no, he can't.

J-Red said...

Big Picture, depends on what happens Sunday. I'm willing to re-work the whole theory.

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