August 3, 2009

The Genius of James Harrison

Rarely does a football player achieve so much on and off the field as Steelers LB and Defensive Player of the Year James Harrison. Just since the end of last season, Harrison has provided us with so much to mull over. Is it any wonder the man drives a Smart Car?

Back in May, Harrison released his first nugget of genius upon the sports world. When asked about going to the White House to meet President Obama, Harrison politely refused. He reasoned, "This is how I feel, if you want to see the Pittsburgh Steelers, invite us when we don't win the Super Bowl. As far as I'm concerned, he would've invited Arizona if they had won."

This is an excellent point. If President Obama hadn't found the time to invite each of the 32 NFL teams over in his first four months in office during the greatest economic meltdown since the Great Depression, while running an escalating war in Afghanistan and trying to finally get a national healthcare package together, why should Harrison go out of HIS way to meet him?

Then, also in May, Harrison's pit bull attacked his 2-year-old son. The son's mother, who doesn't normally stay at the house and Harrison's massage therapist were home with the dog and child, but Harrison was out. The dog was let out of its pen, and proceeded to maul the child and injure the mother and massage therapist who attempted to intervene.

blablhhblahblah You misunderstand. I *CAN* has cheezburger.

The media totally whiffed on this story, comparing it to the 2006 incident where Joey Porter's pit bulls ate a miniature pony or Michael Vick's famous dogfighting travails. The true genius of James Harrison comes in the lesson for his young son. As the alpha male, Harrison's presence keeps the dog in line with the hierarchy of men in the household. With Harrison out, the dog rightfully recognizes that he is the dominant male, and must demonstrate this to the toddler.

The toddler has clearly been taught a lesson about life and football by Harrison. In a power vacuum, the successor must assert himself or fall in line. Dog 1, Child 0.

Just today, Peter King has new wisdom from Harrison to impart upon us. According to King, James Harrison spotted Mike Shanahan spying on Steelers' practice. Harrison immediately reported the espionage to Coach Mike Tomlin. King paraphrased the exchange (sloppy reporting but the Starbucks in Latrobe lacks the foo-foo coffee du jour that King requires), saying that Harrison asked Tomlin, "Hey, you aren't going to let the Broncos' coach watch our practice, are you?"

Those unfamiliar with Harrison's wisdom might have scoffed, noting that Mike Shanahan was fired by the Broncos prior to this offseason. Harrison, like other shrewd observers, knows that there is no way in hell current "coach" Josh McDaniels makes it through this season. Shanahan is simply taking an involuntary sabbatical and will return in time for the Broncos-Steelers showdown on Monday, November 9th.

Lastly, Harrison said, "Virtualization has allowed us to decrease our costs, increase our agility, increase time to market for new business applications and make changes more efficiently." Okay, maybe that was a different James Harrison. (Thanks a lot!)

9 Responses:

Anonymous said...

Uh, who cares? All that matters is what was mentioned at the top of the article: "Defensive Player of the Year James Harrison". I don't expect him to be a genius. Just like I don't expect Stephen Hawking to be a great football player.

And sure, Harrison's intelligence may be comparable to Hawking's athleticism, but all that matters is that he's good at his job and he's not committing any crimes.

Anonymous said...

All this from someone who posts on a web blog....ha ha ha.

I assume it requires a Ph.D., right?

J-Red said...

The four of us have a combined two JDs, an MBA and a PhD, but I don't think they're required.

J-Red said...

"And sure, Harrison's intelligence may be comparable to Hawking's athleticism"

Well written, sir.

thisizstupid said...

Want some cheese for that whine?

J-Red said...

Who is whining?

Anonymous said...

There are players that you just live to see go off on the little green cart. Terrell Owens, Hines Ward, and James Harrison come to mind.

B. Rothelesinburgeerrrr said...

James Harrison's life revolves around James. Don't let yours revolve around James too.

Nikhil Verma said...

I think President Obama should have invited the Lions to the White House, to celebrate the history they made last year.

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