October 7, 2008

Ranking QBs by Likeability

Plenty of well-informed NFL experts put together lists of the best quarterbacks in the league, but to me these rankings are always flawed.  What happens if my favorite team signs one of these guys?  How happy will I be?  Will I have to stop making fun of Eli?  Will I have to retire my best Tom Brady jokes?  

With that in mind, this list ranks all the starting quarterbacks (and some backups) in the NFL based on how happy  I would be if my favorite team signed them.

If my team signs one of these guys, I'm buying a jersey right away.

David Garrard 
He's young, he's strong, he's fast.  Garrard isn't the flashiest or the best quarterback, but if my team signed him, I'd be really happy to cheer for him.

Ben Roethlisberger
This is slightly biased since he's already the quarterback for my favorite teams, but I couldn't be happier about that.  He's a proven winner and he always makes the team better.  This year he's partially hiding the team's glaring weakness at offensive line.  

The big knock against him is that all sportscasters annoyingly refer to him as "Ben" all the time.

Drew Brees
Brees is by all accounts a really nice guy, and he's doing some great things with the Saints.  Plus, I love a QB who can throw the long ball.

I'm happy, but I might have a few reservations about the signing.

Peyton Manning
Yeah, it's great, he's one of the best quarterbacks in the league.  But now you're subjected to years of the Manning face, and your team's offense will be limited to a boring, pocket-passing scheme.

Tom Brady
Well, for starters, he's injured.  Sure, he wins all the time, but can I really turn on a dime from hating his guts to cheering for him?  And do I really want my team quarterbacked by a deadbeat dad?

Tony Romo
I don't buy the choker label, but having every article about your team reference some Jessica-Simpson/Carrie Underwood feud would get annoying.  On the other hand, it's more excuses for websites to run pictures of Jessica and Carrie.  I guess that's a wash.  

These guys will make you worry, but there's plenty of upside there.

Eli Manning
Eli is the butt of a lot of jokes, but he led the Giants to a Super Bowl win.  He even looks pretty good to start this year, but lurking in the back of every fan's mind is the worry that he'll revert to form.

Joe Flacco
The best thing about Flacco is that we don't know just how good he is yet.  He looks like the type of guy who doesn't make many mistakes and he'll get your team out of a jam a few times a game.  But he's only played 4 games so far.

Aaron Rodgers
We don't have a lot to go on with Rodgers, but he handled the Favre situation with class, which counts for a lot in my book.  He's also looked good to start the season, so I think you'd be happy to have him.

Donovan McNabb
You're happy to have him on your team, but he's old and there are rumors that he chokes in big games.  I'd like to cheer for him, but I'd have a lot of reservations.

Jay Cutler
I'm never sure how good Cutler is.  He's surrounded by a good team, and he looks decent most of the time.  In the NFL, that's high praise.

Jason Campbell
He didn't look very good last year, but Campbell looks like a legit good quarterback this year.  I think Redskins fans are very happy with him.

That's the best we could do?
He's good, but really?  There wasn't anyone better available?

Carson Palmer
Some day, people will stop putting Palmer in the discussion of the best quarterbacks in the league.  He's better than a lot of players, but he's definitely not in the elite group.

Derek Anderson
Had flashes of goodness last year, but hasn't shown much at all this year.  He's your replaceable, vanilla semi-decent QB.

Matt Hasselbeck
Probably underrated for years because he played in Seattle and no one saw him, Hasselbeck is now overrated because he plays in Seattle and no one sees him.

Phillip Rivers
He's probably a better player than a lot of the guys ranked above him, but do you really want to cheer for him?  Rivers comes across as a petulant whining asshole, and I wouldn't really want him on my team.

Jake Delhomme
You're just hoping that he'll regain his 2005 form.

Matt Ryan
There's some potential, but you're not sure at all what you're going to get.

Chad Pennington
He wasn't good enough for the Jets, which tells you something.  On the other hand, he's played well this year and seems to be a decent QB.

If your team signs one of these guys as your starter, it might drive you to drink.

Matt Schaub
Not only are you rooting for a UVA alum, he's not that good and he's been hit way too many times.

Brett Favre
It's amazing that he dropped from the top category to this one just by being a douchebag during the offseason.

Kerry Collins
I know his team's 5-0, but would you really be happy if your team signed him?

Jeff Garcia
He's had some decent successes in the past, but he's past his prime and his prime wasn't even all that good.

Matt Cassell
He's a career backup for a reason.

Kurt Warner
Had a couple good years, but he's headed for retirement.

Kyle Orton
Ummmm, he's just not very good.   There's a reason Chicago has a QB controversy every year in training camp.

Football isn't that fun to watch
Maybe you should just stop following football.

J.T. O'Sullivan
The butt of far too many Irish jokes before the season started, O'Sullivan hasn't done a lot to move the discussion forward.

Matt Leinart
When your picture is on thedirty.com more than espn.com, that's a problem.

Trent Green
Five years ago, you might have been happy with this pickup.

Trent Edwards
The only thing I know about him is that he isn't good enough for me to want him on my fantasy team.

Jamarcus Russell
I really thought he was a good pick coming out of college, but the Raiders are a soul-crushing organization.

Jon Kitna
Well, if your team signs him at least people will make stupid Jesus jokes at you all the time, so you have that going for you.

Gus Frerotte
It's never a good thing when you get a start and everyone says "I can't believe he's still in the league!"

12 Responses:

Mark said...

Nice shot you took on Favre... Being from Wisconsin, and knowing everything that went down... It was Ted Thompson who was the culprit behind the Favre fiasco. 'Team Rebuilding' was the focus since 2005, and Rogers was their man since then... Favre was slowly being pushed out the door. If last year was Favre's team, and this year is Rogers... I'd rather Thompson subsided his 'God complex' and benched his protege for the Legend.

big tuna said...

Interesting list. Poor Eli Manning. I am not sure what else that guy has to do. Also, it might be time to give Trent Edwards some love. He led the Bills to a strong start and I think he is going to be a good one.

Also, I am a bit surprised to see Flacco ranked so much higher than Ryan. I get the homer pick, but Ryan has been slightly better in his first year.

Jeremy said...

This is a great read Brien. I will comment more fully later, but I wanted to give you some "dap" (channeling my inner Mike Wilbon) for a great post.

M.A.S.H. said...

I would like to lobby for a bump in the Jason Campbell rating. He has calmly beaten two very unlikeable teams (Cowboys and Eagles) on the road in front of their extremely unlikeable fan bases. I think he gets points for vanquishing dislikeability in a fairly likeable way.

Dewey Hammond said...

The Joe Flacco Show.

Brien said...

Jason Campbell is working his way up the list, but it'll take a little more success for me to be really comfortable with him.

"ben" said...

One thing confused me: "Ben" (the QB, not me) is the most awesome-ist thing ever, but Peyton Manning is only happy-ish because of the boring pocket passing offense?

Brien said...

Roethlisberger is very slippery. He's at his best on broken plays when he avoids a sack and throws on the run. I'd much rather cheer for that than "Happy Feet" Manning and the 5-step drop.

Nestminder said...

As a fellow Pasadenian, your football loyalties pain me. Great work on the post, but please, pack up and leave my redneck town.

Brien said...

Stay out of Malibu, Lebowski! Stay out of Malibu, deadbeat! Keep your ugly fucking goldbricking ass out of my beach community!

Anonymous said...

Terrible rankings

Hater said...

I'd have Brady in the bottom category. His injury this year made my season.

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