October 11, 2008

Great Fake-Outs in History, Including Magic's AIDS

Two conservative talk radio hosts in Minneapolis have come under fire for an exchange in which they stated they were convinced that Magic Johnson "faked" AIDS. Magic retired from the NBA in 1991 at age 32 after being diagnosed with HIV. We'll leave aside that Magic does not now and never has had AIDS. He is HIV-positive. There's a difference.

Maybe those guys were right. Here are some other great fake-outs in history.

1) Bill Clinton and the Blue Dress - Most people take the Starr Report for granted and assume that the greatest advertisement for Shout wipes and Stain Stick was actually created by President Clinton. In fact, Clinton was known to be a master of faking orgasms, convincing even the most Gennifer Flowers of pigeonheads. The substance on the blue dress? Don't count on being able to clone the silver-haired charmer with it. You'd just end up with a tub of Papa Johns' Garlic Dipping Sauce.
bllahblahhblah Bill couldn't resist someone who would wear this dress?

2) Jim Abbott's Right Hand - This hoax took decades to develop. Using a little Hollywood make-up and sleight of hand, Abbott was able to convince the entire baseball world that he actually only had one hand. He even developed a showy procedure where he slid his pitching hand into a glove perched on his prosthetic stump as soon as he delivered each pitch. It was masterful deception and legerdemain matched only by whatever convinced critics that The Prestige isn't a steaming pile. The truth is that Abbott needed a gimmick to make himself more attractive to discerning California Angels and Yankees' fans. He stumbled upon the idea for the faked birth defect after watching The Elephant Man. The culmination (known as "the prestige" in the magic world, which explains why that movie was so confusingly titled) was his no-hitter in 1993. The entire Cleveland Indians team, in their last act before taking a break from sucking for the mid-1990's, let Jim put one over on the world.
blablablabbhhblahblah This is just low, Jim.

3) Greg Louganis' HIV/AIDS and Homosexuality - Some people really don't know how to respond to embarrassment. In the 1988 Summer Olympics in Seoul, South Korea, Greg Louganis garned worldwide attention for smacking the back of his head on the diving board. Louganis, the last accomplished American diver, was devastated by the humilating blunder. For the rest of his life he did whatever he had to do to distract people. First he said he was HIV-positive, even back in 1988. This backfired, obviously, because then people wanted to know why he didn't tell anyone as his gaping board-wound was bleeding into the pool. He needed a new cover story, so he decided to tell people he was gay. Louganis, a noted poon connosieur, lived this lie for years before finally fake-dying of fake-AIDS.

blablahblahhblahblah This could possibly be a deduction.

4) The Streak - The people behind "Got Milk" needed a mascot people could relate to. They created 2500 Cal Ripken, Jr., (name chosen because it sounds like Cow Ruxpin when enunciated by a fat Wisconsinite with a mouthful of cheddar curds. Also, Wisconsinites really like Teddy Ruxpin and listen to all their Bob Seger tapes using Teddy) clones out of whey, hooves and piercing blue cow eyeballs.

blblahblaahblahblah Moustache not related to Bill Clinton entry.

5) Steelers Win Super Bowl XL - I still don't believe it happened. I still have nightmares where Ben Roethlisberger trips me by a shoelace going down the aisle to marry Scarlett, then parlays his sixth usher status into a lifetime of going to bed with her dirty little smile. Also, the game taught me that the plane of the goal line extends back to the one yard line as well. That was interesting. I just scratched my back and got called for clipping.

blahblblah This picture makes me die a little inside, and I hate the Colts too.

7 Responses:

"ben" said...

Here's a great fake-out:

Michigan has a football team.

(See how I can always bring it back to Michigan?)

J-Red said...

On the Michigan note, everything won by the Fab Five was a hoax too, according to the NCAA.

At least we lost to Middle Tennessee State and Virginia on the road.

"ben" said...

Actually, I think the Fab Five gets credit for a handful of games their freshman year. They didn't document anything until the middle of the first semester, I believe. I could be wrong.

I think there is no doubt, anymore, who is worse between UM and Maryland. I mean, reality set in for me in the second half of the Illinois game. This just hammered it home even harder.

"ben" said...

Can't believe I forgot to mention:

Jim Abbott played at Michigan. I have his Tops rookie card wearing a Michigan uniform. It's pretty cool.

J-Red said...

Was that before or after he faked having only one hand?

"ben" said...

After, but clearly photoshopped.

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