October 5, 2008

UVA Stomps Maryland Dopplegangers

Government investigators stormed Maryland's campus late last night, intent on finding the leak from a parallel dimension that is allowing a Bizarro Terps team to take the field twice already this season. There is concern that the Hadron Collider in France sent a microscopic black hole on an oblique angle through the crust, exiting somewhere near Byrd Stadium.

blahblahblah The exact opposite of what happened last night.

The stats are a bit misleading, as the Terps busted two big plays (60-yard run by DaRel Scott, 80-yard screen by Heyward-Bey) against MTSU, but they played the same game. The same defense that shut down Cal at home for a half and blanked Clemson on the road for a half looked totally asleep against Virginia and Middle Tennessee State. The offense that was efficient against Cal and Clemson has slept through a win over FBS Delaware, and losses to MTSU and Virginia.

I wish I could give you some kind of analysis. Here's what I remember from last night's 31-0 massacre in Charlottesville. Their third-string sophomore QB had an open receiver on every play, despite the fact we weren't blitzing. Terps safety Skinner was routinely burned and humiliated in pass coverage and run support. The DL looked absolutely incapable of providing any meaningful pressure. QB Chris Turner looked lost and, without that threat, Da'Rel Scott was held to a pedestrian day running the ball. Virginia chose not to join us in incompetence, and kept their foot on the gas for most of the game.

Proof of the existence of a genetic link between looking like an asshole and being an asshole.

Again, we appear to have a motivational problem. Do I blame the coaching staff for that? No, I can't. These are college kids. For 90% of them, they get fewer than 20 games on the field to play the last meaningful football of their lives. If they need fiery speeches to get inspired to play a cross-border rival they're in the wrong game.

I want to see the transcripts of the defensive players. Do they get D's in kinesiology and geography and A's in Organic Chemistry and Electrical Engineering? That would seem to fit their pattern.

blahblahblah This guy went to UVA and date-raped your sister. Allegedly.

I fear someone will be fired over this. Chris Cosh is the most likely victim, as the defensive coordinator. The Terps do have a bye week before hosting Wake Forest, which runs an interesting and complicated offense. Personally, I never see the point of changing coaches midseason, short of a full mutiny and a belief that the underling can instantly gain control and inspire the unit. I don't see that in College Park right now.

So we endure another disgusting effort and disgusting game. This season has been trying, with big wins over Clemson and Cal and big losses to Middle Tennessee and Virginia. Who knows which team will emerge down the stretch?

1 Responses:

michael said...

You may be cool, but you're not 9-popped-collars cool

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