February 16, 2009

Sporting Events I Can Do Without

The late, great, George Carlin, had a routine, entitled "People I Can Do Without" wherein he gave a rundown of all the obnoxious people who we come across in every day life who, well, he could do without. So, behold, I give you the list of sporting events that are way too publicized that I can do without.

1) The NIT
Check the shirts carefully in the above picture if you haven't already seen this. Seriously, that reflects the amount of care that goes into the champion of this tournament for power conference teams that are .500 and wish that they could be back on campus admiring the girls in their April sundresses trying not to get too embarrassed by teams from the small and mid-major conferences who have the thrill of a lifetime playing in any postseason tournament. The fact that even one of these games is televised is too much. Now you know why Terp fans are so pissed about the past five years.

2) Figure Skating National Championships
I was flipping through the channels a few weeks ago and I saw that this was actually being televised in HD on a major broadcast network. I marginally care about figure skating once every four years. In the Olympics. Figure skating, you get your chance to shine every four years. Hell, you get two chances to shine with all the attention that is paid to Olympic Trials. You don't see swimming airing their national championships on an annual basis (did you even know they exist?) How about luge airing their national championships. Look, I realize that girls who are emotionally abused by their coaches and suffer from delayed onset puberty by about ten years need to see their "heroes" compete. But go to Smuckers Stars on Ice. Don't cloud up my TV listings.

3) Little League World Series
Speaking of emotionally-battered children. Listen, Little League World Series is doomed by three things: (1) it airs right during the peak of the NFL preseason; (2) we're subjected to the "interest stories" that feature classic sports parents living their lives vicariously through their children, and; (3) it's played in the muddle of Bumfuck, Pennsylvania. The LLWS has benefitted lately from a few classic finishes and walk-off shots. Not enough to clear the luster off the Danny Almonte's and ringer'ed up Caribbean and Asian teams.

4) The Australian Open
This is played during the dead of winter here in America, when 90% of America is bundling up in four layers just to get to the gym. About the only meritorious thing about this tournament is watching the players try to not die in 108-degree heat. Listen, tennis, you have the French Open, the British Open, and the U.S. Open. Three tournaments, one on each kind of surface. The Australian Open, much like the third nipple, is entirely extraneous and should be cut. Immediately. Plus, who wants to watch tennis in a retractable-roof "arena?"

5) NHL All-Star Game
The most dreaded words in the English language, "Guess what... you're the leading vote getter. You're going to start in goal in the NHL all-star game!!" There is no hitting, no defense, no penalties, no suspense, nothing at all at stake, and it's essentially watching endless 3-on-1 or 3-on-0 breakaways. The only thing that could save this game would be to play it outside every year. But even then it wouldn't make a big bit of difference.

6) The NBA All-Star Game
Look, you had to know this was coming. For much the same reasons as the NHL All-Star Game, this game is brutal to watch and impossible to enjoy. At least in the MLB All-Star Game there is still pitching, fielding, hitting, running and something on the line for the winner, even if remote. In the Pro Bowl, there is still passing, running, and tackling, just not the vicious open field hits that you'd see in an average game. The NBA All-Star Game competitors don't even pretend to care or try. It's a weekend to party, groupie it up, and just go crazy. You don't believe? Ask around what DC was like during NBA All Star Weekend a few years back. When the player introductions take as long as a quarter of an average game... you've lost me.

12 Responses:

Nikhil28 said...

I would put the Pro Bowl up there, if only for the reason that it's always been the week after the Super Bowl. What other sports league puts their "All Star" game the week after it's championship?

Lee said...

Yeah at least the NBA all star game was good that one time the East came back from a ton of points down and won and everyone got into the game and played hard for 10 minutes. Overall it's a joke but for those ten minutes it was the best basketball you will ever see. It was a god 5 or 6 years ago I think... The Pro Bowl ALWAYS sucks... And half the other stuff is what I wouldn't even consider "real sports", although I do enjoy the little league world series a bit.

What about anything NASCAR? ECB isn't pro-NASCAR is it? Daytona 500? All that means to me is a ruined SportsCenter the Monday after...

Joe said...

Tennis doesn't have a British Open. It's Wimbledon. Brian would have know that, but then again he's a huge lose

Jeremy said...

Sorry... my bad... I grew up playing tennis and actually worshipping the rare opportunities when I could play on grass, so you'd think that I would have known that. Just proves why you shouldn't type a blog post with ACC basketball on in the background.

gpb said...

NASCAR or any of the drag racing. I only care about the crashes and Sportscenter covers them just fine. Go back to stock cars or follow the engineering and I might care.

Womens basketball. Sorry but I can't get into it. It's far slower paced and there just isn't the intensity I expect in college sports. It's not like I hate womens sports. I enjoy womens volleyball and can mildly enjoy softball.

Spelling bee. It's on Sportscenter so it counts. This screams overbearing parents. I don't care about dysfunctional kids whose only feasible skill is spelling words. If I ever see it on a resume (provided I'm in such a position), it gets trashed. No debate.

Competitive dance - aka Jabbawockeez. I hate synchronized swimming and now I have to look at synchronized moving, GTFO. This isn't crap that should be exciting at all. It's not cutting edge or innovative. And you sure as hell don't belong in a Gatorade commercial. Please die. Soon. Take Heinz-Ward with you.

J-Red said...

Sadder...I read Jeremy's post, disagreed with getting rid of the Aussie Open, and didn't even flinch at the British Open part.

"ben" said...

Games 101-162 of the baseball season.

Nikhil28 said...

"Games 101-162 of the baseball season"

I'm assuming you mean baseball should have 100 games.

If you're saying the last 62 games of the present regular season structure don't matter, I'm not sure I agree with that. Probably true for Nationals, Orioles, Pirates, and Royals fans. But, If you're team has a decent chance at winning the division/wild card, wouldn't that be the best time to watch baseball. If anything, wouldn't games 50-100, be the ones no one cares about?

Nikhil28 said...

NBA regular season games before middle of February. It's not that I don't like the NBA. I just don't have any interest in most regular season games.
June-August regular season MLB games as well, unless it's the AL East or Nationals.

"ben" said...

I'm saying the baseball season is too long. Maybe I should have said games 63-162. Point is a shorter season would be better.

Nikhil28 said...

I agree. The baseball season is way too long. The first 3/4 of the NBA regular season are boring, in my opinion.

gpb said...

I would contend that the NBA playoffs are no better in terms of length. Four rounds AND each round is best of seven? Absurd. It takes almost two months.

While I think baseball runs too long, there is pretty much nothing else to watch during the summer. I would be content to lose September in the regular season and move the playoffs up.

Summer is here and there's never been a better time to try your hand at online sports betting. Place your bets on your favorite horse with horse racing or even try your luck with your favorite football team. Enjoying sport is just a click away!