April 26, 2009

Breaking News: Dan Snyder Kidnapped


Breaking news this afternoon out of Raljon, Maryland, as Prince George's County Police are reporting that Daniel Snyder, owner of the Washington Redskins, has been kidnapped. To date, no ransom demands have been made and his captors are unknown.

Police were alerted to the possible kidnapping at approximately 11:30 a.m. on Sunday, April 26, about 25 minutes after the Redskins drafted cornerback Kevin Barnes out of the University of Maryland with their third-round pick in the 2009 NFL Draft.

"Our suspicions were aroused last night when we got the go ahead in our war room to not worry about trading up to draft Marc Sanchez and we were then instructed to draft Brian Orakpo out of Texas, which made complete and total sense, and was reacted to with great joy by our fans," said Redskins head coach Jim Zorn. Zorn noted that team officials didn't conclusively believe that something had happened to Snyder until shortly after 11:00 a.m. on Sunday morning, after the Redskins were instructed to draft Barnes. "I was waiting for instructions to draft the speediest wide receiver, running back, or tight end on the board, despite the fact that we have absolutely no need at those positions. Then I get these instructions to draft another player for an actual need position," said Zorn. At this point, Zorn and Redskins authorities searched Snyder's Potomac home and found Snyder missing, amid signs of a struggle.

It should be noted that Vice President of Football Operations Vinny Cerrato is also missing, as of press time.

Raljon authorities have released an early sketch of the suspect in the kidnapping:

The suspect seen crying outside last year's Redskins NFL Draft Party after the Redskins selected Fred Davis and Malcolm Kelly.

The suspect should be considered feathered and dangerous.

It's a tough time for Redskins fans everywhere, and Zorn expressed the team's situation, stating, "Right now, we're really all just trying to keep it medium."

9 Responses:

Grant said...

Still no o-linemen though.

Jeremy said...

UFA's my friend. I really don't think there's too much of a difference between a fifth round tackle and one who is undrafted.

"ben" said...

I think you are dangerous ground with the picture you chose as the suspect in the kidnapping.

I am happy with the Redskins draft. Hooray for sanity.

Grant said...

Maybe they'll sign Edwin Williams!

Jeremy said...

Grant, done.

And the funny thing is that if they had drafted Edwin with one of their seventh round picks, everybody would be giving their total draft grade at least one half grade higher. They get Edwin as a UFA, which was a no-brainer, given that not too many teams are on the hunt for a center.

Grant said...

The also signed Chase Daniel, which, whatever.

Edwin also used to pla (the last letter of that word on m keboard is broken...ou get the point) some other o-line position, didn't he?

Also, as much as I love Stephon He_er, he does seem a little overmatched at times. The_ probabl_ could have used a right tackle. Oh well.

Nikhil Verma said...

They still TRIED to do something stupid. They just didn't have enough picks to pull it off. Also, the Washington Post reports after Sanchez was taken by the Jets, the Skins were willing to trade up just one spot to Denver to get Orakpo. Not to fear Skins fans. The Danny will not get outbid the next time!

J-Red said...

Hey, they pissed off the starting QB. That's enough for me. Let Colt Brennan and Chase Daniel and Kliff Kingsbury and whatever other stud college QBs remain out there fight it out for 4-12.

Anonymous said...

If only this were true.

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