July 17, 2008

Understanding the British Open Through Caddyshack

Without Tiger, the British Open field will be mostly unfamiliar to casual golf fans. However, everyone is familiar with Caddyshack. For your viewing pleasure, I have related many of the major players at Bushwood to a Royal Birkdale "contender". This should simplify your weekend, and allow you to yell movie quotes at the television.

1) John Daly as Al Czervik (Rodney Dangerfield)

Who else could play the loud-mouthed, drunkard who constantly fails to respect the quiet gentlemanly demeanor of the game?

2) Sergio Garcia as Ty Webb (Chevy Chase)

There was a time when Sergio Garcia was the heir apparent to the throne of Tiger's Bitch. The problem is that being Tiger's Bitch required being in consistent contention each tournament, which Sergio never managed to achieve. Now he's kind of a faded star, existing on the fringe of golf consciousness and only really relevant when people are scratching their heads trying to figure out who could win this thing. Ty Webb, Chevy Chase's character, is a wasted talent rotting away at Bushwood in bitter self-loathing. (Then again, Chevy Chase is a wasted talent rotting away in bitter self-loathing.)

3) Jean Van de Velde as The Bishop

"The Good Lord would never disrupt the best game of my life!" The Bishop uttered that line as he was racing to squeeze a round in before an impending thunderstorm. He was unstoppable. Balls came back to the hole. Chips all sank. Even bullfrogs couldn't get in his way. Then he uttered that line and took a lightning bolt to the head. One can only imagine that Jean Van de Velde might have had similar thoughts in 1999 as he only needed to avoid double-bogey to clinch the British Open. Well, we all know what happened. In a later scene, The Bishop is seen drunk in the club, fighting Judge Smails' efforts to cut him off. I definitely think Van de Velde might have found the bottle after he was struck by lightning.

Oh, and Van de Velde IS back this year.

4) Ernie Els as The Doctor
Throughout the movie, The Doctor is just kind of there. He's a companion to Judge Smails, but doesn't even really seem to like him. That's kind of Ernie's role the past decade or so. He's always just there in the background somewhere.

5) Trevor Immelman as Danny Noonan

The movie centers around Danny Noonan, the just-out-of-high-school caddy with nothing to lose and nothing to gain at Bushwood. He flirts on the edge of adulthood in a pregnancy scare with his Irish girlfriend, and by trying to fit in at one of Judge Smails' uptight parties, but he's really just enjoying the moment. Then, pressed into action following an injury to Wally, Danny helps Ty win the big cash game against the Judge and the Doctor. Trevor Immelman reminds me of Danny. He was just kind of plugging along as a good golfer before he had a little cancer scare in December 2007. Doctors removed a golf-ball sized lesion from his diaphragm. It ended up being benign, and Trevor ended up winning the Masters a few months later.

6) Phil Mickelson as Judge Smails

Stick with me here. Judge Smails is characterized by having a horrible temper and by being a stickler for the blueblood country club rules. That doesn't sound much like Lefty, right? Luckily, I am informed by Seinfeldian lore as well. Phil has been chanting "Serenity Now" for the past decade, as he struggles to cope with his own failures. As we all know from Lloyd Braun, serenity now, insanity later. When Phil Mickelson is paired with 22-year-old Korean-American Anthony Kim on Sunday, he's going to lose it. I just hope he can avoid a Fuzzy Zoeller moment afterwards, telling the press he fears kimchi will be on the menu next year.

Honorable Mention - David Feherty as Groundskeeper Carl Spackler

First of all, I had to find a way to get Bill Murray's classic existential groundskeeper into the post. Second of all, who other than Fairway Feherty could quote the Dalai Lama and say, "Gunga din. Gunga gunga din." with a straight face and actually mean it seriously?

So.... there you have it. Like a Kenny Loggins song, we're all just waiting for Tiger's absence to end. Hopefully we can add some humor to this whole faceless event. Use of this Caddyshack soundboard is strongly recommended.


flubby said...

Wally? WALLY? I'm afraid you just lost the caddy scholarship.

You owe me one gumball machine.

"ben" said...

Huh. Reading through this, I thought it was a Jeremy post.

That Mickelson thing is a stretch, and I think you know it.

And isn't anyone the Gopher? Or Spaulding?

J-Red said...

Wally...I don't know what happened there. This is what happens when you try to construct a picture-heavy post at work and end up minimizing the screen every other sentence.

Fixed sir. The gumball machine is coming right up.

Ben, Jeremy does not like Caddyshack. He's not fit for this world.

I did have a great Spaulding pic, in the tux, but I couldn't really match him to anyone except MAYBE Angel Cabrera.

big tuna said...

This British has a chance to be more compelling than a Tiger tournament if The Shark keeps this up. I will be tuned in this weekend.

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