October 22, 2007

Halloween Has Come Early

Tim Burton and Wes Craven cannot conjure the horrors experienced by the average Baltimore-area fan this weekend.

First, Maryland blew a 17-10 homecoming lead to Virginia, largely in part to ESPN2 not having good camera angles and the Terps inexplicably calling a 1st and 10 play that required the quarterback to retreat seven yards into the end zone. The safety provided the margin of victory, and shifted the momentum away from the Terps in the game, and, essentially, the season.

Then the Ravens proved many experts right by laying another egg up in Buffalo. The Ravens, though 4-3, are 1-3 against the AFC and 0-3 against the AFC on the road. They're also 0-2 in division, and after the bye they face Pittsburgh twice, Seattle, and San Diego, New England and Indy in back-to-back-to-back weeks. They certainly can't count on wins against Cincy, Cleveland or Miami based on their current level of play. I need to start paying a lot more attention to cornerback play in the NCAA. The prospect of a top-10 pick is very real.

Minutes later, the hated Redskins survived Arizona. Due to a blocked XP earlier, Arizona needed a two-point conversion to tie. They failed on a play where Anquin Bolden played QB, rolled right and weakly underthrew a relatively open receiver with about 21 seconds left. Arizona recovered the most poorly covered expected onsides kick in the history of football at any level, drove down against an inexplicably soft prevent, and set up a Neil Rackers 54-yard game winning field goal, only to watch despondently as the kick hooked left.

Then I went out to dinner and a movie. The Nightmare Before Christmas in Disney Digital 3-D is pretty cool, but the technology behind stop-action animation has not aged well in the era of Pixar. Still entertaining.

I got home just in time to see Dustin Pedroia put the game away for the most annoying franchise in all of sports. There's nothing more exciting than seeing executives in business suits jumping up and down in the front rows during an ALCS Game Seven. Seriously guys, it's a Sunday. Because you're in the front row, we know you're loaded. Can you at least cut it back to polo and Dockers?

Every time I hear about renewed interest in the immigration debate, I'm hoping it's Maryland closing its borders to Virginia, New Jersey, New York and Massachusetts. If I see a cute girl in a pink Red Sox cap, I'm punching her in the ovaries. As soon as the Red Sox won the World Series in 2004, we saw a rise in two phenomena: cute girls associated in some way with Boston, and Red Sox fans who could speak comprehensible English.


blahblahblbluluablahblah Where do I slide da dollah?

I'm returning the favor to the world. I went shopping for my Halloween apparel today. Let's just say the shorts I'm wearing are so short that I bought low-rise briefs for the first time in my life and I waxed my bikini line. For all the hell I've been put through this weekend, I'm going to make this Halloween season that scary for the rest of the world.

6 Responses:

J-Red said...

And I totally expect to check tomorrow morning and see that all my fantasy opponents have Rob Bironas, Tom Brady and Randy Moss. I would include Wes Welker, but I have him on my teams. If anyone started Seattle TE Will Heller against me, they can expect a visit tomorrow.

I also fully expect to die in a horrible freak accident on my way to Merriweather Post for the Spoon and The Shins concert. I'm paying off all my debts tonights.

Anonymous said...

Halloween may have come early for you but for us in the detroit area thanksgiving came early with another lions win. the excitment is just a little too much for us. I can't remember the last time they had this good of a season. I also was disappointed with the red sox win...they act like they scraped the rest of us off the bottom of their shoes like they stepped in something offensive. And please...who goes to a baseball game with a suit on...the rest of us are worried that we might spill our beer or drop some mustard on our good clothes...i guess were from the wrong side of the tracks.

J-Red said...

I was a lot more willing to pretend to be happy for Lions fans when I thought the Ravens would go 10-6 or better. Now I hate everybody, especially the Redskins who could easily be 2-4 if the Dolphins culd win a coin toss and the Cardinals could run a normal two-point conversion play/kick field goals.

Anonymous said...

how do you omit Millar throwing out the first pitch for game 7 AND reading the Sox lineup?!?!

Anonymous said...

Im throwing out the Navy whooping too.. And that Millar thing was horrid.

J-Red said...

Totally true about Millar. It hurt me less because I didn't see the lineups. Navy losing is kind of a positive for a Maryland fan, but only because they're being girls about scheduling.

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