December 14, 2007

New Lessons for Crooks from Vick, Mitchell

To the snitch go the spoils. If we've learned anything from the Michael Vick dogfighting disaster in Surry County, Virginia, it's to make sure you are the first to the bargaining table with the Feds. Despite admitting to killing two dogs, despite admitting to scouting out the property and despite being the primary trainer of the fighting dogs for a period of time, Tony Taylor received only a two-month sentence for his role in the Vick operation.

I think this is the perfect rebuttal to Carmelo's "Don't Snitch!" DVD campaign. Perhaps the next version should be "Don't Snitch! Unless you aren't fond of significant prison time. Then snitch if you want, and move."

Would-be felons have learned a lot of valuable lessons this week:

  1. Be the first to snitch if you're going to snitch.
  2. If one of your criminal co-conspirators has a falling out with the rest of the group, "take care of him" if something comes up. That doesn't mean silence him, but make sure he knows there's a nice little nest egg waiting for him after he does his time. Why do you think Avon had a G-pack waiting for Cutty?
  3. Don't use personal checks ever, for anything, ever. Ever. I'm only slightly surprised none of the memos read "steroids" or "performance enhancing drugs". Why do I think Mike Piazza and some other Mets of the 1998-2005 period have "Straight Cash, Homey!" stuck in their heads today?
  4. Don't have contraband sent to your home or work address via registered mail or Fed-Ex. You are a professional athlete. If you are a platoon catcher in Milwaukee, some misguided 20-year-old will still let you use him as a front to buy "presents" for your "niece". "Sure Kenny, I'll swing by and pick that package up this weekend. Tell your Mom I love her strudel!"
  5. Don't ever speak to Larry Bigbie.

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