June 19, 2008

Hollywood Endings for Feds' Pursuit of Anderson's Wife

Various sources have reported that the Feds are going after Barry Bonds' personal trainer Greg Anderson again, but using a new method. They are opening a grand jury investigation against his wife on "tax-related issues." You have to ask yourself, when has going after a man's family ever worked out well? And movies always provide an accurate cross-section of potential consequences, right? So here are the possible outcomes.


This didn't work out well for anyone. Romeo and Juliet both died, and in this case, a dead Greg Anderson can't testify. Definitely not a good option for the Feds.

Calling Your Bluff

Bluff or not, when you hold his family hostage and the guy guns them down in cold blood, you know he's not cooperating with you for anything. Kaiser Soze was a bad-ass. Anderson might not go this far, but if he does, you can be darn sure he's not testifying against Bonds.

Rampage (most likely by movie frequency)

There are just too many examples of this to show them all, but here are a few of my favorites.

One mariachi outgunned an entire Mexican cartel. How much easier would this be since Anderson's on steroids?

Same story, American cartel this time. This time, the avenger took the time to make them feel the pain. I'm sure the Feds would enjoy that.

How did this work out for Commodus (the Feds)?

She might not be a man, but when her significant other got whacked, she didn't just kill Bill... She took down every assassin around, and pretty much whoever she felt like killing. You go, girl!

Castle Assault by his Friends

A classic story by Sir Walter Scott, Ivanhoe surrenders in exchange for the release of his family and the women who love him. The terms aren't followed, and his friends storm the castle, releasing him. Later, he fights for the honor of the damsel, and the evil Prince is dethroned by the returning King. (There's an election coming up isn't there? Maybe the new administration will spend federal dollars elsewhere.) Do you think the BALCO guys have enough roid rage to stage a frontal assault on a courthouse? (or assault a precinct like Assault on Precinct 13?)

Showdown on a Cliff

The first 3 minutes are how the Feds want things to go. Anderson chases them, he's outnumbered and outclassed, Feds win. On the other hand, it's hard to talk after falling off a cliff.

So there it is, those are the only possible outcomes. Or at least those are the only outcomes in Hollywood. Death clearly results in all cases, it's just a matter of who dies, who does the killing, and when.

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