June 17, 2008

Vince Young Implicated in Catfighting Ring

Will they ever learn? Just a little more than a year after Michael Vick's career began to unravel amid dogfighting allegations, Tennessee Titans' quarterback Vince Young is now implicated as the ringleader of a vicious catfighting ring.

Catfighting is a brutal sport. It involves two women battling each other, often until a purplish translucent mascara-tear mixture flows from the eyes. As if these animals were not capable of sufficient brutality on their own, the ladies typically wield razor sharp plastic implements glued to their fingers, making gouging and scratching all the more effective. To show the utter disdain these "people" have for their opponents, many of the women put intricate designs on these blades.

bllahblah Young went to extreme lengths to distance himself from women

According to the Davidson County Sherriff's Department, Vince Young is believed to have orchestrated these battles at his Bunnyhop Ranch outside of Nashville. Detectives uncovered a hidden complex behind his home filled with training and combat devices. Two poles extended from floor to ceiling, apparently used to strengthen the legs and groins of the combatants. Investigators were not certain that the poles were used for illicit activities until they detected a glitter-infused liquid smeared upon them. According to experts, catfighting managers use this substance between their breasts to distract and blind their opponents.

h Billed as entertainment, the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling may have influenced Young

The evidence is damning and the uproar is building amongst the public and the conservative Tennessee Titans fanbase. Candi Bubbles, spokeswoman for People Urging Safety for Strippers (PUSS) said that the extent of catfighting is poorly understood by law enforcement. "They think this is just something that happens in the wild, but the truth is that some of these events are organized chaos. In certain circles, like Las Vegas where this is legal but regulated, the best fighters like Laila Ali and Christy Martin are household names. We believe the practice took off due to the success of the landmark wrestling bout between Cyndi Lauper and The Fabulous Moolah during the heyday of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling (GLOW), but at least that was staged. Now we have this activity taking place under euphemisms like 'Foxy Boxing' and 'Bitch Battle', and that really undermines our efforts to uncover what is taking place behind closed doors."

blahblahblah Titan fan and Vince Young supporter Bucky Covington

Not surprisingly, Young's defenders are arguing that catfighting is a deeply ingrained aspect of his culture. Some Titans fans were quick to come to his defense. Bucky Covington, of Nashville, was representative of those fans, saying "Man I love to see a couple bitches going at it. They really get ahold of each other and sometimes the extensions fly. If it's a really good one you might even see some titty. Man I love me some titties." Clearly, the prosecutors have their work cut out for them.

This isn't the first time catfighting has reared its beautiful, eyeliner-streaked head in professional football. Showing just how dangerous trained catfighters can be in the wild, in November 2005 two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders scissored in a Tampa bar bathroom stall before proceeding to attack patrons who tried to intercede. They were eventually subdued.

However this prosecution is resolved, Vince Young will never enjoy the great reputation he earned as a star Texas Longhorn quarterback and mediocre NFL signal-caller.

7 Responses:

Brien said...

But did they find a "rape stand?"

Anonymous said...

I hope Bucky sues you for libel jackass!!

Anonymous said...

I'm with anonymous. You deserve to be sued and ordered to post a retraction.

J-Red said...

It's a good thing I know that malice is required in order for a suit for libel against a public figure to be sustained. I'd have a long line of people who could testify that I have nothing but love for VY (and anyone else who embarrasses USC for that matter).

Brien said...

It's also a good thing that the Supreme Court has repeatedly ruled that satire is protected speech.

It's also a good thing that we have a few readers with a sense of humor.

J-Red said...

Yeah, the malice requirement is actually a First Amendment requirement. We must be able to satire public figures in order to foster speech and thought exchange.

Anonymous said...

1 : a literary work holding up human vices and follies to ridicule or scorn
2 : trenchant wit, irony, or sarcasm used to expose and discredit vice or folly

Not quite sure what satire has to do with your musings, but it seems to me that if you use quotation marks indicating that the person actually made that comment, you should be able to prove it....jackass!!!

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