July 7, 2008

New Sporting Events Inspired by Running of the Bulls

The Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain, began today. Overall, the event went as planned with only 13 injuries (including one punctured lung/fractured ribs/ruptured spleen combo and a couple concussions) reported. The famous outing is ridiculous and silly, but it did get me thinking about some potential athletic events...

1) Cracklympics - Don't let the title fool you. We're not limiting this to just crackheads, but also smack snorters and meth addicts. The inaugural event could, and should, be held in East Baltimore. Highlights include the back-alley dash and 20K scrap metal relay.

The entire event would culminate in a little Cops & Robbers chase I like to call Flee & Fling. The competitor and a police officer begin the race at arm's length. At the gun, the crackhead must outrun the police officer (while wearing unlaced shoes and sagging pants) while simultaneously attempting to ditch a small baggy of rock cocaine (NO SWALLOWING!). The clock stops when the cops lose sight of the athlete. If it stops for five straight minutes, the time is entered. Lowest time wins. If the baggy is found by a four-person search team, the competitor is disqualified.
One highlight will be the alternative award for the competitor with the most creative attempt at hiding.

Obviously, the typical performance-enhancing drug testing regiment would have to modified. Only sobriety would disqualify competitors.
2) Who Wants to Marry A-Rod? - What perfect timing! News broke today that A-Rod's wife is filing for divorce. Naturally, the near-billionaire will need someone else with whom to pass the time. Why not combine the search with VH-1's penchant for quality matchmaking television.
Naturally, only women who match A-Rod's taste for high-quality tail need apply. Below are some examples of what the judges will be looking for:

NOTE: Presence of a (visible) Adam's Apple is disqualfying. Also, contestants should refrain from wearing t-shirts containing obscenities.

3) Clubhouse Scavenger Hunt - In the tradition of the old childhood/sorority scavenger hunt, we'll invite some lucky contestants to rip through an MLB clubhouse, trying to find various items. The first to collect them all wins dinner within spitting distance of Bud Selig. Items to find include:

--"Clean" B-12 syringe
--Skoal Citrus Blend pouch (no other flavors permitted, contestant must taste to verify)
--Sunflower Seed with Virgin Mary patterning
--Used condoms containing at least three different shades of lipstick (aka the Reno Rainbow)
--Chuck Knoblauch's confidence

spacerpacer Use of a mechanical sweeper or rubber gloves is disqualifying.

spacerspacepacerspacerspacer A potential host?

Got any other bright ideas?

0 Responses:

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